On Beauty

For us modern women who want it all, Beauty. Is. Everything.

Now that we have fought the Good Fight, won and are enjoying a blissful life of Equality with our male counterparts, now that we have been given the vote, are allowed to wear trousers – and even onesies – it is time to preserve this idyllic moment in history by freezing your face.

It is the era of Selfies, where the Revolution will be live-streamed and there is absolutely no excuse for looking like a munter.

Embracing and expressing our anger is a very real right we have, but remember, once you have exercised your right to do this, you need a rigorous and very expensive beauty regime to deal with those unsightly frown marks and any general evidence of any emotion.

The Beauty Industry is there to help you. From a face-mask made of organic Tibetan yak faeces, injecting distilled kitten tears directly into your forehead, to a bespoke treatment where you are lightly tazered in order to freeze those aging facial muscles, there is something for everyone.

And it costs no more than a deposit on a pied-a-terre in Zone 1.

It is essential that you spend that money on yourself. Sure, there are bills to pay, mortgages and children to think of, life-saving operations that the crippled NHS just won’t cover. But it is this very Martyr Attitude that has enslaved 50% of the world for so long.

By spending unthinkable amounts on beauty treatments that will do absolutely nothing for you, you are furthering the cause of women all over the world. Just think of Malala.

Further, there is a direct correlation between how much you spend and how much younger you believe you look. And it is this incredible capacity for self-delusion that is a woman’s greatest asset.

If you are over twenty-five, it may already be too late. But start anyway and feel the years literally fall away as you are plunged further into unmanageable debt.

Make You a priority. Reach for unattainable perfection. Keep reaching. And never, ever stop.